How Not To Take Things Personally. Your Guide To Managing Your Emotions.

Understanding and owning your emotional experience is key to staying grounded in a variety of relationship patterns. From getting swept away with actions that may not be best for you to getting in fights and prematurely (or waiting too long) to end relationships, understanding impact and influence versus handing over your emotional power is key. Many of us avoid feeling our vulnerability in relationships by blaming the other person for “making me feel this way” instead of taking our power back and recognizing our control in our responses. The fears of being hurt and the feelings of vulnerability associated with disempowerment are scary. It is natural to work on avoiding them. However, if you can take ownership of your emotional responsibility and own your role in your feelings you do not have to fear hurt and vulnerability.

I meet with a lot of people who feel that it is someone else’s responsibility to make them happy. They are easily knocked off course when negative things happen because they have put their emotional experience in another’s hands. They often feel out of control and play games in relationships – “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me” kind of mentalities. Getting hurt is a matter of life. We love people and they leave us. We want something and we do not get it. We work really hard and we still fail. We want to feel good enough, but we don’t. In each of these situations, acceptance is the key to navigating the difficult emotions. By accepting what is in this moment just as it is we have an opportunity to objectively examine what is happening. From this place, we can determine what worked, what did not and where we can learn more about what to do next for a better chance at success. 

Understanding Impact and Influence

We are not responsible for another’s feelings. This means I cannot make you mad, happy or sad. And you cannot make me mad, happy or sad. We cannot “make someone feel something”. They are 100% responsible for their feelings and actions. I am completely in control of my emotional experiences and you are in control of yours. Many want to feel the good sensations that come from “making someone happy” and work to avoid feelings of “I made you sad”. In reality, you did neither. You cannot make someone happy or sad because you cannot control how they are internally reacting to your actions. I have no control over how you experience what I say. I might be able to influence you but I cannot control you. Your experience of what I do gets filtered through your past experiences and is based on how you are feeling at a particular moment. I cannot control if you are hungry, annoyed with something else or overwhelmed by another situation. Therefore I cannot control how you will receive my actions (actions include statements, behaviors, and even emotions). As a result, I cannot control how you will react to me.   

In our relationships, we often “take things personally” when the other person does something that impacts us. As I am impacted I have a reaction. I may feel sad, hurt or angry. This response may be based on similar past experiences. My reaction to another’s action(s) may be based on an expectation I had about the situation. When I am impacted it is hard to remember that what they do is about who they are, not about me. How they speak to me, the words they use, the actions they do are all about how they orient to the world. I am only responsible for how I orient to the world and how I react. I am in control of my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. 

What other people do and say reflects the experiences of the other person. However, we tend to interpret what they do as a reflection of us. This misguided interpretation leaves us dealing with our own core wounds and struggles. We feel unsafe, unheard, negated, less than, etc rather than full in our experience of being. As a result of the negative impact, we are experiencing we respond as though what is happening is happening to us rather than just impacting us at the moment. We control our response to everything that impacts us and do not have to be knocked off a positive track just because we were negatively impacted by someone else’s behaviors. 

What to focus on so you don’t take people’s actions personally

To help ourselves maintain focus on our goals we need to be able to recognize what is happening. When we slow down and recognize that their actions are about them we can take control of our reaction. We recognize we can feel our full selves just because we exist. We no longer need anyone else to tell us otherwise. We can embrace our full experience and decide how to deal with it – especially when we do not like it. 

In order to do this well, we have to be willing to take responsibility for our own experience and our own actions. You have to decide how you want to be in the world. What are your goals for your experiences, expectations for yourself and what do you want to accomplish? We have to look at how we speak to others, the word choices we use, the body language we project, and the actions we do or do not do. We have to take ownership of how we have hurt others. We have to notice when we are triggered back to early wounds and experiences that hurt us so we do not perpetuate the hurt. And we have to take responsibility for our own healing. This is hard work. Many people want to say – “there is nothing wrong with me, it’s so and so’s fault. I am fine and good and right”. This way we protect ourselves from our own experiences of feeling less than. 

Healing

If we can take responsibility for our own experiences we can determine how to heal them. We can take our power back and find ourselves strong in our sense of worth. We can embrace being good enough, smart enough, wanted, needed, etc. We can own our individual gifts while allowing others to own theirs. We do not need to tear them down so we feel big anymore. We can allow them to be who they are, doing what they do without getting caught in our own story, old hurts and core wounds. We can choose to set boundaries, choose to engage with them or not. We can decide how we want to react and who we want to be without worry about what anyone else is doing. 

Easier said than done, I know. One way to make sure you are moving in a positive direction is by helping yourself focus on what you can do. Find a daily routine that helps you feel grounded. Maybe it is a morning meditation, reading, and reflection or movement plan. Your job is to focus on what you want, your goals for your future, and what helps keep you moving toward them. It might be building new behaviors or letting go of old ones. Sometimes actions needed will be clear and other times it will not be clear. Sometimes this will be small and sometimes it will be big changes in your life. 

Your job is to stop and pay attention to you. What do you need in this moment? What do you need to do right now – not what you want the other person to do, or say or be. What would help you take care of you? Put your attention where you want it to go … on creating the life you want to live. 

Ready to Make a Change?

And as always, if you are struggling you can schedule a 15 min Q&A appointment to see if it’s time to give yourself the gift of therapy. When else can you talk about yourself for an hour with someone trained to deeply listen to your core, not just the story you tell yourself. 

Upcoming Programs:

Yoga & Psychology. Looking Closer at Maya and Samskaras

When you think about psychology, do you ever consider that yoga has a lot to say about the study of the mind? Two of my favorite overlaps are Maya and Samskaras. The ancients knew a thing or two about what it means to be conscious and intentional about living a full and embodied life.

Over the last year I have been diving back into yoga. It has been a long time since I looked at the ancient texts. Last year I chose to deepen my understanding of yoga philosophy. I re-read Light on Life, Light on Yoga, dove back into the sutra translations, and the Yoga Pradipika. In my world of somatic psychology the research on yoga is flowing. I attended the United States Body Psychotherapy Association conference in 2018 and attended a number of sessions on the interplay between yoga and psychotherapy. All this exploration brought me back to why I have never given up this practice. 

Over the years I have been a yogini, a yoga teacher, a yoga enthusiast, and sometimes even considered quitting the practice for the newer shiner object in the group exercise world. But I never did. Sometimes I did not even know why I continued to practice. Sometimes it felt flat, other times energizing. I continued to pay attention. Then in early 2018, my friend and yoga teacher, Sarah Klein asked me to work with her on a project to explain the psychological overlays of the ancient yoga philosophies. The path was set and we began a journey into what is yoga and why does it work. 

Although I think the answer to this question is vast, I do have a better understanding of why yoga works and why it works differently than other avenues of fitness. I began to look at yoga from the orientation of psychology. When I was 5 I asked my mom why people do what they do. She laughed and said because they do. I decided I would figure that out. I have found my yoga study to be similar. A big undertaking with so much possibility that determining exactly why becomes muddled. It gets lost. The concrete answers become less fascinating than all the interplays between possibilities. This is the marker of a great system. Something so simple, yet so vast at the same time. 

As I continue to read, relate, and connect the dots between these two worlds I am amazed at the wisdom the ancient practitioners brought to the world. I find myself drawn to understanding Maya and Samskaras the most. No surprise as I address them both in my psychology practice everyday. 

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Maya is the lens we wear to view the world. As a psychologist I work to help people see that what they might think is not always reality. That they can change perception and shift emotional states for something more positive and suiting to them. 

In yoga we come to the mat to explore these lenses. How do I talk to myself about my practice, my ability to maintain the pose, my role in the room with others? We overtly ask ourselves to challenge our belief patterns. 

I see this work in other group exercise classes however the intention is different, the study much more narrow, and the focus shifted to aspects of being according to the class format. In yoga we turn the lens away from how many reps, sets, and weight lifted to the inner landscape of being. This self study helps shift our view of ourselves in the world and our view of the way the world is. Thus, we have an opportunity to engage differently. We can begin to create the world we want with clarity versus the world we were handed through culture, community, and limiting self beliefs. And it all happens through our embodied experience of being. 

Samskaras are those things that get in our way. They are the experiences and slights we have experienced in our past. They hook us, trigger us, and keep us stuck in old ruts repeating patterns of being over and over. These little knots are caught in our nervous system. They are part of our learning that says “danger, don’t do that again”. However, if we honestly look at them, often they are outdated old messages about a particular situation and not the one we are living in now. With study and careful attention to our experiences we can release them and find new patterns to engage our lived experiences. Ones that are more healthy for us. Ones we want rather than what we got. To me, the study of these two focal points is critical to creating your life vision. 

This is the message of yoga – it is all union and we are all one. Connected beyond what we can see yet individual in our experiences of self and others. This is the simplicity of yoga – we are all one. Yet the complexity of yoga – having an individual experience.


If you find this work interesting and want to join Sarah and I on a deeper study of The Integration of Yoga and Psychology, please do.  

Deepen your own practice, help your students and clients deepen their experiences of self, others, and spirit too. We teach what we need, don’t we? And it somehow fits what others need as well. 

Click Here To View FREE Online Class: The Integration of Yoga & Psychology. Wisdom Informs, Science Explains.

The Integration of Yoga & Psychology. Wisdom Informs, Science Explains

6-Week Course. Plus, get 31 Yoga Alliance CEUs

There is so much to learn. If you want a couple of guides with over 25 years of yoga practice experience, join Sarah and I. The full class starts soon. 


If you are feeling like you need to deepen your own understanding of self in the therapy room, visit my practice website at www.stacyreuille.com 

WE ARE MOVING!!

New Office location Feb 1, 2020:

1305 Escalante Dr. #205

We have some exciting news! We are moving to the new Purple Cliffs Building on February 1, 2020. I am expanding my practice and building a new clinic model to include fitness and wellness programming alongside psychological services.

This move allows me to:

  1. Hire an administrative assistant. Much needed! This will help me prioritize clinical needs and messages to allow me to respond more effectively.
  2. Bring on more therapists who can take insurances. A big need in our community
  3. Work directly with personal trainers and nutrition experts to help manage mental and physical health goals non-medically with a whole person health-focus.
  4. Add programs and services such as health, diet, and exercise coaching, as well as total health transformation packages.
  5. Provide a state-of-the-art telemedicine space that will host sessions with less dropped/frozen screens during our online calls.AND … We’ll see what else we can dream up to support you on your journey to better health! Taking over my own space allows me the freedom and creativity to create programs you ask for.

The new office will be located temporarily at 1305 Escalante Dr #205 / Durango, while our unit (right next door) is being completed. We estimate the new clinic opening in June 2020.

Stay tuned for updates on the project & don’t hesitate to reach out with questions and concerns about the move. ~ Dr. Stacy

Join Us For A Free Class!!!!

The Integration of Yoga and Psychology. Wisdom Informs … Science Explains

My good friend and amazing Yoga teacher, Sarah Klein, and I are putting together a Free online webinar to help explain why Yoga works using modern psychology research. 

Join us for the FREE online class to explore The Integration of Yoga and Psychology. Wisdom Informs … Science Explains:

Connect the dots between key Yoga philosophy topics and what recent research in the west has discovered.

Understand the science behind mind-body health and the integration of ancient wisdom and modern psychology.

Designed for you, Yoga Teachers & Mental Health Providers & Personal Practice Junkies, we’ll give you information and tools so you walk away with key tips to bring to your classes, clients, patients, and your own practice – things like how to read posture and behaviors to give your clients and students what they really need to create a shift. 

Many of us LOVE the way Yoga helps us balance our lives, increase our sense of wellness and balance, and regulate our emotions, but why does it work? If you have ever asked that question or wondered what your teachers and trainers are talking about – this class is for you. 

Join us to increase your level of knowledge about the ancient wisdom using modern psychological science.

We have had a great time putting this program together and can’t wait to bring that joy to you, 

Stacy & Sarah

Sarah Klein, E-RYT, CHC

Sarah Klein, E-RYT, CHC

www.wholehealthlab.com

Stacy Reuille-Dupont, PhD, LAC, CPFT

Stacy Reuille-Dupont, PhD, LAC, CPFT

www.stacyrd.com

Want a HardCopy? Here ya go … the PDF version.

4 Health Tweaks You Can Easily Introduce to Your Daily Routine

Are you looking at 2020 wondering how you will implement changes to your health goals? Feeling overwhelmed already? This year look to simplify changes by making small tweaks in your current routines and add little increments to your health behaviors for maximum success.

Guest Post By: Jennifer McGregor

Well-intentioned health goals are a dime a dozen. Everyone always has something that they want to achieve, whether it’s losing 20 pounds or running a 5K. For many, reducing stress is also a compelling objective, especially those in high-stress occupations like caregivers. Regardless of what your goals are, know that it takes more than just good intentions to meet them; you need action, too. Thankfully, with strategic tweaks here and there, you, too, can incorporate solid health practices into your daily routine. Here are a few to get you started.

Choose the good.

The fulfillment of any health goal invariably starts with one thing—making good choices. In fact, mindfulness is known to not just improve your physical health, but also your mental well-being, too. 

No doubt, the thing that particularly benefits from this is your diet. The practice of mindful eating means listening to your body’s signals—that is to say, eating when you’re hungry as opposed to bored and knowing when to stop. Not only that, but it also means consciously choosing to consume food that’s healthy and nourishing, cutting back on processed food rich in sodium and sugar, which would be particularly beneficial to caregivers prone to stress and conditions like hypertension. Another way to eat healthier (and less) is to order healthy options from a meal delivery service because with pre-measured ingredients, you can control portion sizes

Beyond just your diet, being mindful means making choices that truly serve you and your body, too. This can be as simple as going to bed an hour earlier to get more quality shut-eye, or even taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

Move with intention.

Of course, regular physical activity is a must for just about any health goal. And it’s hard not to see why with the many known benefits of movement. Its physical perks such as weight loss and improved immune and lymphatic systems—to name just a few—are common knowledge, but even more interestingly, movement also enhances brain health, elevates your mood, and reduces stress.

While the idea of movement inevitably brings to mind exercise, there are other ways to go about it, too. This could be anything from stretching to dancing to gardening. Indeed, simply being on your feet will already do wonders to your well-being holistically, so it’s great practice, therefore, to always make it a point to move.

Prioritize relaxation.

As rewarding a vocation as caregiving is, it also leaves you vulnerable to feelings of overwhelm and frustration, making caregiver stress a real problem. This is why it’s doubly important for caregivers to make relaxation and stress management a priority. 

Doubtless, the easiest way to go about this is to introduce relaxation techniques to your routine, such as meditation and deep breathing. It’s also a good idea to make it a point to go on a break and take time to do something you love, like reading or pursuing a hobby. Going on vacation is another way to relax. Even a staycation in your own city will do wonders for your overall well-being. 

Allow indulgence.

In the same vein as taking downtime, you should also give yourself a license to indulge from time to time, as long as you make it worthwhile. For example, partaking in your daily red wine is one indulgence that’s really good for you as red wine is chock full of antioxidants that protect you from a plethora of diseases, as well as anxiety and depression. Hiring a health and lifestyle coach is another, as you could certainly benefit from a customized health plan, plus it helps to have someone hold you accountable.

Suffice it to say, health goals are just ideals when you don’t have concrete steps to follow through on them. Thankfully, being healthier need not be earth-shattering. So start making small changes and see the difference.

Photo Provided by Author: Jennifer McGregor via Upslpash.com. Image URL: https://unsplash.com/photos/VKnjdEesFxw ~ Image Credit: Photo via Unsplash.com