Most of us are operating from a communication template based on our earliest years – the people we lived with, watched, and interacted with. We do not know the skills and ways of relating we picked up from them because we did not lay down memory using words, symbols, and language. We learned by doing and physical sensation. If you are still operating as though your 3 year old was the wisest person in the world, it may be time to revisit yourself and upgrade those skills.
Ever had that road trip where all you heard was “how much longer”? Today work on flipping how you interact in the car. Use this time to connect and get to know each other better.
I’m road trippin’ today in one of my many forays following my kids (or taxiing them) around for sporting events. We are working to beat the next snow storm headed into the Rockies. Since we are on the topic of communication this week, let’s talk about the beauty of being present to people in the car with you, because that is not always easy.
There is something pretty special about these private spaces for developing relationship and working through aspects of personal communication, building deeper knowledge of each other, and finding new music to jam to in between random topics that arise as a result of exploring the world from behind a windshield. Here are some of the fun topics that have arisen within my vehicle as the miles pass by:
- What beef jerky is the best & why
- Books we are currently reading
- Levels of snowfall
- Tiny homes
- Salt lakes
- Music choices
- Work tasks
- Dinner options
- Finding friends
- Places to visit when the kids move out
- Ways to do said travel – RVs vs Camper Vans vs Air BnB, & which countries
- The benefits of shaving with shaving cream
- And … How much tea is left & where to get more ice
Of course you can always engage in a variety of other road trip activities. I’ve scrapbooked, we’ve enjoyed a variety of movies, coloring, playing I Spy, and my personal favorite … the license plate game. One time I got all but one state. That was a long ride and quite the accomplishment … I still hold the family title, and I do not think they’ll ever beat me.
I see so many people in my practice fighting about being right in communication … when it’s not about being right, it’s about being effective. If you feel like you always have to win, you’ve got other problems. It might be worth exploring your need to be right, your sense of self, confidence levels, ability to be a member of a team, feel valued, honored, lovable, and worthy. Being right in communication is not the end game for a healthy life, being effective is.
Have you ever wondered why people do not seem to take you seriously, hear you even when you are yelling, or pay attention to your ideas? It may be your communication style. Here are 5 ways to take control of your communication and increase your ability to influence and impact in positive ways.
Each week I spend quite a bit of time working with people who struggle to communicate effectively. They are either passive, passive aggressive, or aggressive in their communication style in efforts to get their personal needs met. For many they have never been taught effective communication patterns and are relying on old observations of role models. These old observations are well learned in a system (i.e. your family) that uses them, but not effective when you want to communicate in a different system (i.e. your work place).
In addition, I see many people who feel using a style, say passive aggressive, will get them what they want without conflict and are frustrated people around them haven’t picked up on the needs yet. Today we are going to talk about 5 effective communication tactics and why it is important to understand influence and impact, while also recognizing you cannot change anyone. You only have the ability to change your behavior and thus your results.
Number 1: No One Can Read Your Mind.
Recognize that no one can read your mind. Many of us were taught that if we dropped enough hints our loved ones would pick up on our needs, and this means we are loved and lovable. Not True. They may come close, yet we are often left feeling like something is missing, we are not important, or we do not feel seen and heard in our authentic expression. This is partly because we compromise our authentic expression trying to get them to really “see” us by using passive aggressive communication styles and partly because they cannot read our minds. Instead of dropping hints, martyring, or silently hoping someone will notice what you need, just ask for what you need and want. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Number 2: Shaming, Blaming, and Criticizing are not helpful.
I cannot shame you into long-term compliance and keep the relationship going. I can shame you into submission for a bit, but eventually shaming you, tearing you down, criticizing you, or blaming you will destroy our relationship. The more I nag you, the worse you may feel about yourself and more likely you are to leave. In addition, the more you feel put down and shamed the more likely you are to rebel, get angry, aggressive, and push back on me. This creates an explosive pattern where people say hurtful things that break apart the relationship.
Number 3: Intensity Matters
Honor the power of intensity. If I am always yelling at you, soon I will be heard no better than if I wasn’t speaking. People get used to intensity levels and they begin to tune them out. Usually leading to more frustrations, more intensity, blame, projection, and shaming tactics, which also do not work long term. Instead, realize that I control my intensity. I can shift my voice, word choice, and body posture to help me emphasize and communicate intensity. In addition, to choosing the right intensity, I must be aware of my non-verbal communication, which is about 80-90% of what I am trying to communication. Remember the saying “action speaks louder than words”, well it is true. People pay more attention to how you say something, than what you say. You can increase or decrease your emphasis by shifting your posture, eye contact, space use, and gestures. I am sometimes more effective when I use body posture and say nothing than when I scream and yell.
Number 4: Timing
Timing matters. My children were famous for waiting to ask me about eating candy until I was on the phone. They knew I was distracted and it would be easier to get me to concede to their request while I wanted to finish my conversation. To get them to stop, I would lock myself in the bathroom. They would get louder and more expressive. It took a bit, but I was finally able to shape their behavior away from asking for things while I was on the telephone.
If you want to be successful with a serious conversation, pay attention to the other person’s energy levels. If they are tired and stressed it will be less successful than if you give them a break or help them relax. You might be better off to plan your conversation when you are both feeling ready, have an environment without distractions, and are able to focus on each other. It is ok to say, “I want to talk about _____, when would be a good time to meet and discuss?”
It is also ok to write out your ideas, desires, and thoughts, opinions about a matter. It can be helpful to review your notes during a difficult discussion. It gives a moment of breathing room for everyone and shows you cared enough about the discussion to put some forethought into it. It helps decrease or increase intensity when used well. And, above all it is ok to say, “I need a break”. I see many couples who do not use this technique. They escalate, escalate, escalate until one of them has had enough and leaves the room. Be proactive and say, “I need a break, let’s take 10 minutes and come back to finish our discussion.” This is perfectly ok. I advise people to set a timer and come back together when it goes off, even if you are not ready to pick up the conversation yet. This helps each member feel important, part of the process, and no one feels abandoned or like it will never get resolved. If you have to agree to set another 10 minute timer or maybe you need to table for another time. Just make sure you both follow through on the commitment to finish the conversation.
Number 5: No Projection, Instead Understand Your Own Issues
Many people use this to help themselves feel better. They project their own discomfort, limiting beliefs, values, opinions, and goals onto the other person. They say things as though it is the other person’s problem, when it is really their own. The other person may share a part of the issue, however this tactic is often used to dismiss the other’s thoughts, opinions, values, and emotions in efforts to avoid dealing with their own personal issues. When people have done their own work they can avoid yelling at the kids because their boss yelled at them or picking on their partner because they feel small and insignificant. They can own personal anger and deal with it effectively instead of misplacing it on something or someone “safer” to be upset with. It is easy to blame someone else for something you feel uncomfortable about, but in the end you will eventually have to deal with your own shit. Do not emotionally vomit all over someone else.
Above all else, remember what people say and do is about them. You cannot control what comes out of their mouth, how they hold their body, or what they choose to focus on/care about. What you do is all about you. If you verbally bully someone, it is you who feels small, insignificant, demeaned, or hurt. If you steal someone else’s idea it is you who feels you cannot create your own. If you have not explored why you think, feel, value something it is no one else job to change their thoughts, opinions, values to be like you.
Now … I often hear, but words hurt and do change things. True. We have the power to impact and influence others with our communication. So why not use it to be effective rather than destructive (to others or ourselves).
Impact & Influence:
We do impact and influence each other very much. I can wreck havoc on my family’s day by throwing a fit during our morning routine. I can also make their day better by uplifting them during said routine. I can help shift focus, belief patterns, and actions by my word choices. I can role model effective behavior and patterns of relating I want them to incorporate as their own. I can help them see themselves as powerful, capable, willing, and connected just by interacting with them effectively.
Many people do not realize when people come together into relationship they are greater than the sum of their two parts. Instead they feel threatened and overwhelmed, thus become less than the sum of two parts by tearing each other down, gossiping, blaming, shaming, projecting, and criticizing.
While making sure we are aware of our impact it is important to have grace with those who are not there yet. Many people have been taught to use ineffective communication tactics as ways to control, contain, manage, and feel powerful. They are not aware that their style is actually getting in the way of something better than what they have now. They spend a lot of time ruminating, focused on, and plotting against “attacks” whether they be real or imagined, and often find themselves surrounded by others who are just like them, making the threat of being negated in communication even greater. Give them grace, while clearly and honestly setting a firm boundary. This is part of how we eliminate ineffective communication from our lives. We set boundaries over and over, with grace and teach people how to treat us. In our ability to speak clearly about what we will accept and not accept in our space with compassion (which sometimes looks like a firm and solid no) we tell people not to speak to us that way, not to expect we will comply, and not to assume we agree.
When we recognize the power of influence it can help us choose our words carefully, pick appropriate timing, do our own work so our emotions, values, opinions, and beliefs are not being projected onto the other making our communication much more clear. We can ask for what we want with tact and effectively say no without tearing apart a relationship or ourselves. We can set boundaries that keep us moving down our path with success and focus, while staying in connection feeling part of something larger than ourselves.
Effective Communication Today:
Today make a commitment to step back from negative communication patterns and work on taking ownership of your role in the relationship. Everything you say and do is about you. Even when it feels like they “made you mad”. Nope you got mad because you impacted by something they said. You chose to get mad or not, to let your feelings dictate your reaction, rather than address it objectively with a statement like “that hurt my feelings, I would appreciate it if you didn’t use those words with me” or something like that”. Believe me, it takes some practice and can feel silly at first.
When you can effectively address slights, hurts, bullying, etc in the moment objectively and in a responsive (vs. reactive) manner you will be more effective getting what you want and need. You take ownership of how you show up in the relationship, even when they show up ineffective. If you are the bully in the situation recognize that you cannot use force to make a relationship work long term. You cannot put people down and expect them to give you their best. They will defend against you even if not in obvious ways. You do not win by breaking people down, everyone loses what could have been greater than the sum of two parts, ideas, or solutions. You are not stronger because you “were in charge”, people do not respect titles – they respect people who are respectful. See last week’s topic on leadership for more information on being a good leader.
Today, work to make your communication style open, your body posture available for positive communication, and your words, timing, intensity, and tone fit the situation you are in – not the one you wish you were in. Work to be clear, say what you mean, mean what you say, ask for what you want with confidence and style fitting of the situation, and say no to what you do not want with grace and strength.
We are in the midst of a 3 day snow storm in my town. As the snow continues to fall and the plows get backed up I am finding the grace that comes with slowing down. And it is leading me to find flow in my day.
There is so much snow I have to drive slower. I have to take time to shovel multiple times a day, which means I move my body and feel my strength. I have had to reach out to others and check in. I have laughed more just because things are joyful. I have taken the time to look around and see the beauty that surrounds me, even when my physical visibility is nil.
Today see if you can find your Friday flow by noticing. Pay attention to what is happening around you and take a moment to notice those you are with. See if you can really see them – be present to them without judgment or expectation. Notice something new in your environment you’ve never noticed before. Just slow down, take a breath, and be thankful you were able to breathe. Just notice and see what you find today.
Not only were the leaders who belittled, micromanaged, berated, and bullied rated the least effective, so were those who would not address the conflicts, take the challenge, or stand up for their teams.
Good leaders are not only kind, compassionate, visionary, and willing to do hard work. They also demonstrate courage and accept challenge. They understand the limits and weaknesses of their team and work to get around them. They problem solve well and play to the strengths of each team member, thus balancing out their team skills.
In addition, they address conflict directly, they can say no effectively, and they call out social loafers in kind ways to decrease the possibility of shame and shut down.
Today look at the places you lead in your life. Are you kind, compassionate, and courageous?
Want to know the secret to happiness? Get outside of yourself. When we reach out to others and help make someone else’s life better we actually help ourselves. Acts of service help you stay healthy – mentally and physically. Get out there and help today.
Many religious and spiritual practices speak of service. Service is a key piece of 12 step programs and many say they didn’t really get sober until they were able to give back. It was the act of service that helped them realize the bigger picture and reason for sobriety. Most of us talk a good game regarding service, however many of us do not perform much service.
One reason we do not offer acts of service as much as we might like is because we haven’t set our lives up to give back. It takes time more than anything and it’s much easier to write a check than it is to spend the day working with someone who needs help. Work to structure time to give back into your life. It will make your life more purposeful and help fight diseases, depression, anxiety, and stress in your own life.
Another reason we skip the service aspect is because we do not know what to do. We feel that it must be BIG to be any good, and the opposite is really true. It is the small, everyday acts of grace and kindness that make the greatest differences in our lives and those we reach out to. These small acts help us realize we are not alone. They help us feel connected and part of something larger than ourselves. Again, keeping us more healthy over the long haul.
Today challenge yourself to perform as many acts of service to another as you can. A little secret is … when you work to make others happy, you actually make yourself happy. The Dali Lama says “if you want others to be happy, be compassionate. If you want to be happy, be compassionate”. Today make your goal to give as much as you can. See how happy you can make yourself by helping others. Notice how doing nice things for other people changes you, gives you different perspective, or helps you see something you hadn’t noticed before. When we give to others we begin to see how similar we are, not how different. We are more the same than not. It’s hard to hate others when you realize this. When you hate less or fear others ideas, actions, and motivations less your life gets better. You start to see the beauty that surrounds you instead of all the things you negatively judge.
Here are some ideas to get out there, get connected, and offer help:
- Hold the door open for someone
- Smile at everyone you meet
- Give the driver in front of you the benefit of the doubt.
- Listen. Really listen as your partner, kids, or co-worker talks to you – without coming up with your response while they speak.
- Shovel, cut the grass, rake, sweep the sidewalk for your neighbor. You are already doing your own, just go a little farther.
- Teach something to someone who wants to learn what you already know how to do. Be patient and let them learn at their own pace. Work to enjoy watching their progress as a support person not the director.
- Play with your dog, your kid, your friend … go out have a good time and laugh and laugh and laugh.
- Tell your family and friends how much they mean to you. Maybe even send them a handwritten note, flowers, or let them know in another way that would be special to them.
- Offer to help with the car pool, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc for a group you are a part of, a friend, neighbor, or your family member who usually does those tasks.
- Read to someone – a kid, a person who can no longer read for themselves due to failing eyesight or other disease, or someone who never learned to read.
- Volunteer in your community. Many communities have a volunteer listing where organizations list what they need help with. Look it up and volunteer your skill set to help them out.
- Help set up a fundraising event for a group you are interested in. Big commitment, but it sure feels good when you come together with a team of people and accomplish something for the greater good.
- Do something nice for yourself. You can’t take care of anyone, if you haven’t taken care of you first. Make sure to include yourself on your acts of service list. It helps you be a better person, less stressed, and ready to help others if you have been taken care of too. Do not forget about you.
How are you doing with your emotions this week? Have you given them any extra patience?
Now that you know they are part of your intelligence system, that you are an embodied being … meaning everything you know comes through your body and physicality – are you treating them differently?
Are you able to give yourself extra support – like self care – when you are having a hard time with your emotions?
How have you taken more ownership of your own emotional experience? Worked to direct your attention and ability to maintain self regulation now that you are aware that they aren’t something to be feared?
Today, see you if you can set yourself up to have a great day. You know it will be a great day because you are working to direct your own experience and gather information about it before you react. You are going to work to respond instead of react and to chose your perception of the experience like we talked about last week.
Are you operating out of love or out of fear? Can you tune into your capacity for connection, compassion, and acceptance by loving others deeply … even those who are not like you? Even those you do not like? Even yourself?
Many people love today, many people hate today. Today is the day we celebrate the concept of “being in love”.
Love is our most powerful emotion. It has the highest vibration and is the most talked about in all spiritual cultures. It is the emotional state we are aiming to get. This does not mean we are all working to get to intimate sexual love – but to the power of compassion, connection, and recognition of self in other.
Being in a state of compassion, connection, and acceptance allows us to integrate a number of our systems for optimal function. A healthy human is one who is integrated and has flexibility in response options to both mental and physical health issues. The emotion of love brings our systems into integration with self, others, environment. This integration impacts our physical system and moves our tissues toward physical health. It aligns our mental health with openness for experience which allows us to be flexible in our choices – thus choosing the best option for the moment we are in right now.
The difficult part … most of us have been hurt after expressing the emotion of love. We’ve been hurt by those who have pledged to love us, those who care for us, and ourselves. We have extended our precious heart only to have it smashed to smithereens (I know I’m being a bit dramatic, but that’s what it feels like to a lot of us).
As a result of this hurt, we extend our love conditionally. We open up in limited ways. We fear those who are different than us. We hold back and judge instead of open up into compassion and acceptance. We do not accept others and we do not accept ourselves.
We close ourselves off to love and its benefits out of fear. Fear and hate lay at the lower end of vibrational measurements. They constrict our physicality and mental abilities. In efforts to stay safe we rally and protect our own, cut ourselves off from others, and stay small. The energy of this constriction leads to more fear, more constriction, and more physical health problems. The way to combat loving others fully when it is scary it to begin by loving ourselves fully.
As you contemplate what love means in your life today … make sure you reach out and pay attention to yourself. Love yourself … fully … completely … and honestly.
If you are having trouble loving yourself, you will have trouble fully loving others unconditionally. If you cannot love yourself fully it may be time to do some therapy around the topic. For many of us, we cannot fully embrace the greatness that is us. In my office I ask, “what’s so great about you”? About 75% of the time people look up confused and unable to answer the question. As therapy unfolds they begin to have less problems with this question, and can answer with confidence about the greatness within.
Two things are true – you are good enough and there is always room to grow. Love yourself fully today.