Guest Post By: Megan Murphy, LCSW
I begin writing some scattered thoughts after the third night of tossing and turning and waking up with a sore jaw and neck, from all of the things my brain must be trying to work out at night. I notice that mornings, I tend to feel strong and hopeful. I am noticing that afternoons are really hard, and my mind truly wishes it could download or shut down, sleep or reset.
I am familiar with anxiety and depression. I have dealt with these emotions at many different times in my life, and overall, I have been able to overcome them, or at least survive, cope with, and accept them in my life.
This has been a very confusing time for my mind, like it is, for so many others. My career as a Social Worker, who works with many vulnerable populations, including the severely and persistently mentally ill, has given me more strength and hope than I could ever explain in words. I have seen people survive and thrive in circumstances, I am quite sure I would never survive. I’ve seen the communities of the homeless, helping one another, and caring for one another. I’ve seen families doing their best to support their own, with limited resources, sometimes limited intellectual capacities, and very often, with judgment from the outside world. My career has taught me so much about resilience. I am so grateful for these clients and to so many people I have worked with along the way, who put their hearts, souls, and brains into this work. I have no doubt that the clients I work with, have taught me so much more than I could ever teach them. I THANK them to no end!
It has been heartbreaking not to be able to support these people face to face, to help get them the resources that they need now more than ever. However, I am grateful for a job that knows that keeping all of us (clients included) healthy in the short term, will only help, not hurt our mission, to help them in the long term. Or, as a wise man (thanks Dad) told me, “sometimes you have to stay in the fight, to win the fight”.
Parenting has been a whole different level of anxiety, acceptance, and resilience during this time. I have two sons, ages 14 and 9. We are beginning to work on schooling from home. I have so many worries about this time in life for them. For my 14-year-old, I worry about this time in his life. He is supposed to be working on independence, separating himself from his parents and working on finding himself. Peers are also such a huge part of learning and growing at his age. It’s so hard to tell him that we don’t have answers about when life may be “normal” again. It is so hard to say “no” to so many requests. I am so proud of him. I can tell he is frustrated and worried. It always seems that right when it’s needed, he invites his brother into his room to play games with him. He is an amazing human being. I worry about my skills to work and teach him from home, while also paying attention to emotional needs.
For my 9-year-old, I worry about his enthusiastic, open view of the world and an absolute need to connect, move, and be excited about life! Lately, he has denied every request to go outside on a walk. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but then I noticed he is anxious about it. “Is it safe”, “what if I see a friend on a walk”, “Can we talk to each other”, “am I sick”, “are you sick”, “will we all get sick”. “Are we safe”. While my husband and I do our best to reassure him, we don’t have the answers. He seems to feel best when saying, “family first, right mom”?
While these things worry me, I am reminded of how much gratitude I have. I do not have to parent without a partner. We are able to do this as a team and take turns when the other is feeling overwhelmed. So many do not have this and they are HEROES! Sometimes, I get frustrated with my own anxieties and worries because I am SO aware of the hard times others have and are experiencing. My life has been so easy overall. I have never needed for a thing, and have always had an abundance of love in my life. I feel guilty and ashamed sometimes that I have so much fear.
I have parents who give me strength. My father, a Vietnam marine, has this way of saying just the right things, to keep me focused and strong, during hard times. My mom, an independent woman, who has been a caretaker of many kinds, keeps me sane with love and constant communication and ideas of ways to keep myself busy. My brothers are both amazing and show me love and support, and I hope I do the same for them.
I have an extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins, who check-in, send me love, and inspire me.
I have friends that keep me grounded, strong, and grateful. Each of them gives me something so special and unique and I cannot imagine life, or this crisis, without them. We send each other videos, love, and ideas. Let me tell you, these are amazing women!
The lack of answers is what continues to be the hardest. I told my friend Jamie the other day, that while I am so aware that I am not alone, I “feel” alone. She said, “yes, we are trying to accept and process something we have no answers to, and only fear. We feel alone because we are not allowed to be around others”. That felt so validating.
So, for the moment, I plan to give myself grace. I plan to accept that some moments I will feel strong, and others I may not. I will do my best to show up for my family, friends, children, husband, and clients, with love, and understanding, that they too, will have good moments and not so good moments.